Why is it that I no longer enjoy composition? Its and interesting question, and one of great importance to somebody studying composition as their degree. For one reason and another, I expect I won’t be able pursue another degree after this. Probably, the biggest factor in the diminishing aptitude for composition is my abysmal output, as I’m sure would be demonstrated with the honest views about my music by my peers. Before going to the Birmingham Conservatoire my biggest interests were music theatre, progressive rock, video game music and film music – with a small amount of avant gaurde on the side. But the only of these interests which come through in my current musical output are modernism, and poor modernism at that. My pieces are neither; witty, meaningful nor enjoyable, and I certainly don’t enjoy creating them…
While I succumbed to the belief that producing ‘modern music’ would lead to better marks, and at some stage a higher level of aesthetic interest, I now realize that Im worng. It may just be nostalgia for the old, but I long to write songs, and cheesy orchestral music- but am unable to because of the view others hold on me as an avant gaurde composer and my desperate need to fulfil that very fantasy. While many stood their ground early on and maintained their musical style, I instead lost my self on a false belief of self-fulfilment, and betrayed my own view. What a coward and a fraud I have become. What a waste of four years and £20+k. In the process I have also sacrificed friendship – I now have nobody. As I write this I sit alone and aloof in a dank pub. I want to write Andrew Lloyd Webber cheese, Beethoven, and Madonna. Instead I write Feldman, Cage and leWitt. Why?
While I’m slightly drunk at the moment (as I’m fairly sure my poor grammar shows), I remain sincere in the following: to anybody who has had to listen to any of the crap I’ve written since being at Birmingham, I sincerely apologise. Sorry to you all.
